


this darkness inside (will eat me alive)

by itsreysolo



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Dark Rey (Star Wars), F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Dyad (Star Wars), It Did Not Take All the Strength She Had Left to Reach Ben, Leia is Still Alive, Post-TRoS, and a little angsty, rey is having a hard time dealing with everything, this fic is kinda dark and emotional
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-05-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:14:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23963713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsreysolo/pseuds/itsreysolo
Summary: Rey reaches out, searching for it with the force. It doesn’t take long for her to find it, caught in the middle of the chaos beneath the surface, and before she even has the chance to beckon it to her it shoots out of the water and into her hand.It’s bigger and heavier than she remembers – her hand barely fitting around the hilt. But it feels good. Right. Almost as if it was made for her, and she supposes it was, in a way, if she and Ben were two halves of the same soul.In which Rey travels to Kef Bir to retrieve the one thing Ben had left behind.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 18
Kudos: 55





	this darkness inside (will eat me alive)

**Author's Note:**

> This has actually been sitting on my laptop untouched for about a month now, and I wasn't sure if I was ever going to post it, but [this](https://minamorsart.tumblr.com/post/616851629080199168/rey-returns-to-the-remains-of-the-death-star-to) lovely dark!rey fanart on tumblr inspired me to!
> 
> I'd originally written this out to be a multi-chapter fic, and maybe it still will be. I guess that's up to you guys. :)

_“Rey, you don’t have to go.”_

_“I can’t stay here.”_

_“Just know that you’re always welcome to come back.”_

_“I know.”_

_“Rey, you’re not alone. Remember that.”_

Her last conversation with Leia plays in the back of her mind, haunting her, reminding her of what she had left behind - friends who she’d once called a family. But even though she was surrounded by dozens of people, she’d never felt more alone. No matter how hard she could have tried to explain, they’d never truly understand what she was going through.

Leaving the only mother figure she’d ever had behind was one of the hardest things she’s done, but she couldn’t stand being on a planet that only reminded her of the past. She couldn’t stand watching everyone celebrate their victory when she had ultimately lost, in the end.

The waters on Kef Bir are calmer than they were the first time she’d visited. There are no waves threatening to take her under, no spray drenching her clothes with every whip of the wind. It’s peaceful, and normally she would find the sunlight bouncing off of the water breathtaking, but the world she’s been living in ever since she left Exegol has been dim, almost colorless. Her vision for beauty was ripped away from her the moment a piece of her soul left her body.

Her feet guide her to the spot she’d struck Ben with his own blade. Where she’d watched as the darkness fled from his eyes as she healed the wounds that she’d created. Where she’d realized just how much her heart longed for him. It terrified her. She’d spent so much time telling herself that he was a monster, reminding herself of all the horrible things Kylo Ren had done. But something deep within her wouldn’t let him go. It wouldn’t let her hate him. It wouldn’t let her give up on him, even though every instinct told her to.

It wasn’t until their last moments on Exegol that she truly understood their bond. How their souls were connected. How their hearts beat as one.

It made her wonder how she was still alive. How she was ever supposed to actually _live_ again without him.

Rey traces the spot where he laid, tears coating her eyes as she tries to remember his, the deep, rich brown that was a perfect contrast to his creamy skin. With every day that passes she’s finding it harder to remember every detail of his face, and the thought of losing all memory of his features one day, scares her.

It’s temping, to just lie down and delve into the darkest parts of her mind, but she came here hoping that she’d be able to fill the void within herself by finding the last thing in this universe that Ben had left behind.

It’s here. She can feel it calling out to her from the depths of the sea.

Rey reaches out, searching for it with the Force. It doesn’t take long for her to find it, caught in the middle of the chaos beneath the surface, and before she even has the chance to beckon it to her it shoots out of the water and into her hand.

It’s bigger and heavier than she remembers – her hand barely fitting around the hilt. But it feels good. _Right_. Almost as if it was made for her, and she supposes it was, in a way, if she and Ben were two halves of the same soul.

Even though he is gone, their bond is still there. She can feel it, just subtly, if she searches for it deep within herself. It isn’t the same, it never will be. The hole that was left when he vanished beneath her was evidence of that, but a tiny piece of him still held on.

 _“I’ll always be with you,”_ he’d said as he drifted away, leaving her with a smidge of hope that she’d be able to see him when she called out. But no matter how hard she tried during her meditations, how far she reached out into the Force, he never came.

Visions overwhelm her as she grips the saber in her hand – something, _someone,_ calling out to her, summoning her. A girl dressed in black, her face barely visible underneath her hood – which Rey had quickly come to know, was herself – sitting on a throne. But it isn’t the same one she’d seen in her previous visions. It’s smaller, built for her slim figure.

The darkness she’d fought so hard to contain within the walls she’d built up in the back of her mind slithers out through the cracks, roaming rampant within her and clinging to the empty parts of her, filling them. Comforting her in a means she knows is fabricated in some sick, twisted way, but she welcomes it.

Her thumb finds the switch, gently gliding over it once before flicking it on. The blade ignites, sending a powerful crackling red flame from the base and out the sides, and for the first time in a long time, she smiles. It still works, even after spending months on the ocean floor, and it feels like she’s gained a piece of her heart back.

A voice, the same one she had heard on the Death Star, telling her not to be afraid of who she is, calls out to her again, “ _Come home_ ,” it says. “ _Be who you were meant to be_.”

“No!” Rey screams, turning off the lightsaber and thrusting her arm back, ready to throw it back into the ocean. But she’s stopped, blinded by more visions, showing her what could have happened if she took Ben’s hand, if she had chosen the dark side. How the light had brought her nothing but pain and loss.

It tempts her, tugging at all of the tender parts of her soul and scraping at the wounds that still had yet to heal, and showing her how it could have all been prevented if she had chosen a different path. It’s enough to bring her to her knees, heart-wrenching sobs bursting from her chest as she gasps for air.

She wonders, not for the first time, if it was all worth it. She wonders if she truly did do the right thing. She wonders if she could have saved the Resistance _and_ Ben if she would have just given in from the start.

Desperate, Rey closes her eyes and reaches out into the Force again, searching for something to take away the pain. But she finds only darkness – the residual energy from the people who once resided in the wreckage. She pulls from it, allowing it to cover her like a shroud. Lets it cover the wounds and mend them back together with the tar-like substance flowing through her. It’s agonizing and blissful at the same time, giving her a profound strength she was unaware she had, her power intensifying beyond the capacity it’s ever been before.

The giant piece of metal she’s standing on begins to shake, waves beginning to take form as debris rises from the depths. Something from within the ruins sings to her – something dark – beckons her to follow, and she does, until a presence beside her wills her to open her eyes.

Everything around her falls back into place as she rises to her feet; the water violently roaring against the sides of the wreckage and coating her skin with its mist.

Her surroundings fade out, leaving her in a dim glow from the sun barely peaking through the cloud of darkness that had overcome the mid-day sky. Rey’s stomach twists at the familiarity of it – of what this kind of occurrence usually meant. But it wasn’t possible. Ben was gone, and so was their time connecting with each other through the Force.

“Rey.”

Her name echoes throughout the space between them, almost convincingly enough to make her believe that he’s actually there – that this isn’t her mind’s last attempt at stopping her from doing the inevitable.

“You don’t have to do this.” The voice, so deep and beautiful, the one she’s been so desperate to hear, comes from beside her again, but she doesn’t dare to look over. “You don’t have to go this way.”

She shakes her head, another wave of tears rolling down her flushed cheeks. “You’re not real.”

For a moment, it’s silent, apart from the faint heartbeat in her ears, but she’s not foolish enough to believe that he’s gone.

“Rey,” he says her name again, closer now.

“Don’t,” she warns, for no other reason than to remind herself not to believe any of this is real.

“Look at me.”

Her lips quivers, ever so slightly, as she takes in a shaky breath, attempting to prepare herself for what she’s about to see, but it’s no use. As soon as her eyes meet his, another sob rips through her, her heart feeling as if someone had impaled it with a blade. Her hands itch to reach out, to feel his skin beneath her fingertips and trace every freckle on his face. To do all of the things she wished she would have spent more time doing when he was alive.

“I didn’t ask for this,” she whispers, her voice raw and foreign to her own ears.

It comes out before she’s truly able to figure out the meaning behind her words, and it renders her speechless as she thinks about the heaviness that lies behind them, forcing her to seek out the thoughts she’s suppressed for so long.

_For him to bring her back._

_For the insufferable pain she feels every day from the emptiness inside of her._

_To be forced to live a life without him._

Her story was supposed to end in that temple, along with her family line. Her destiny was to save her friends and destroy the ultimate evil in the galaxy – for good, this time.

Rey had known what she was doing. She knew the cost, and she was okay with it. She was ready to give up her whole self for the people she loved, including Ben.

Their bond had been weakened, torn away from them by the Emperor, leaving her carved out and broken. But she never lost hope. She believed that he could be saved, even from the depths he’d fallen into. Knowing that is what had ultimately led her to call out to the Jedi, to reach out to find the strength to take those final steps.

Her ultimate request as her body gave way, as she sought Ben out through the Force one last time, was for the Jedi to help him. To make sure that he got out okay. That they would help him find a family in the people she once thought of as hers. But he had taken matters into his own hands.

Ben’s gaze never leaves her as she mulls through her thoughts, and the way his face changes with every new reflection almost makes her believe he can sense them, too.

But he doesn't say anything, his lips pressed into a firm line, with a look in his eyes that she can’t quite place.

It isn’t until she truly lets herself take in Ben’s form that she realizes he’s wearing the same clothes he’d worn the last time she saw him. The clothes she’d held in her grasp and cried into when he’d disappeared. The clothes she’d kept and tucked away where no one could find them. She’d spent many nights lying awake, clinging to them, afraid to fall asleep. Knowing what she’d dream of if she did.

The only differences between the outfit he’s wearing and the one that’s stashed away in her bag on the ship are the lack of imperfections. There’s no hole where she had struck him, once giving her a glimpse of his abdomen. No rip in the shoulder from when he’d fallen into the pit. No dirt or dust covering the dark fabric.

They’re gone, along with all of the marks that once covered his skin and adorned his face.

His throat bobs, taking another step forward, leaving only a few inches between them.

“Come home.” It’s a plea, one that sends an unbearable pain through her chest. One that almost has her questioning if she really is making a mistake.

But she’d already spent months on Ajan Kloss, hoping that time and surrounding herself with the people she loved would be enough to dull the ache.

It wasn’t, and she knew now it never would be.

 _I don’t even know where home is anymore_ , she finds herself wanting to say, because it’s true. Even the greenest planets with vast oceans that extend over their horizons wouldn’t feel right. Not without him. 

Not without the other half of her soul.

Rey takes in a shaky breath, her vision blurring with a fresh set of tears. “I can’t,” she murmurs, giving no further explanation. It would be no use. The person standing in front of her isn’t really Ben.

But the way he’s looking at her, as if he understands the emptiness she feels inside, almost convinces her that he is real. And for a brief moment, she wonders how he had felt in the few minutes she was gone – wonders what was going through his mind when he found her lying amongst the ruins of the temple she had destroyed.

It’s almost too much to bear.

“ _I should have taken your hand_ ,” she whispers through the bond, chancing him not being able to hear it. But he must, because a hand comes to rest on the side of her face, his thumb wiping away some of the fallen tears.

She leans into his touch, reveling in the feeling of his calloused hands on her skin, refusing to take this moment for granted, even if it might be a figment of her imagination.

“You know what you should do,” he concludes. Rey shakes her head, lip trembling, refusing to acknowledge this moment is about to end. “You know.”

Her arms wrap around him before she has the chance to stop herself, breathing in his scent, memorizing the way his body molds perfectly to hers. It’s just another heartbreaking reminder of the fact that they were made for each other. 

“Stay with me,” she pleads, even though it’s no use.

He envelops her in his embrace, grip tightening, lips pressing to the top of her head. “I’ll always be with you.”

The repeated phrase is the last thing she hears before his body disappears once again, and she wraps her arms around her torso in a failed attempt to comfort herself as her legs give out, knees hitting the cold metal beneath her.

Her grasp on the saber intensifies, drawing from it to give her the strength she needs to continue down this unknown path. 

She doesn't know where it will lead, or if it will help free her of this pain, but she's willing to try.

**Author's Note:**

> Like I said before, this was originally supposed to be a multi-chapter fic, so it does leave off on a bit of a cliffhanger. And I also wanted to leave it a little questionable whether or not Rey was actually having a Force Bond moment with Ben. 
> 
> You can also find me on [tumblr](https://itsreysolo.tumblr.com/) :)


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